my brain's a fucking mess, full of slop, some important, some noise i try to "let go" of but fuck it up worse, like a smudged mirror. i'm trying to figure out how to be real, scared shitless of being a loser. all these parts of me want different shit, totally fucking contradictory, and people are like "just be yourself bro" but which fucking self? i'm trying to tune into the right kind of schizophrenia, one that actually works. sometimes the fear itself is the thing you gotta hold onto.

my brain's a fucking mess, full of slop, some important, some noise i try to "let go" of but fuck it up worse, like a smudged mirror. i'm trying to figure out how to be real, scared shitless of being a loser. all these parts of me want different shit, totally fucking contradictory, and people are like "just be yourself bro" but which fucking self? i'm trying to tune into the right kind of schizophrenia, one that actually works, instead of making me disconnect and feel like i'm not even a real person. don't give me that mindfulness 101 bullshit about just observing. sometimes the fear itself is the thing you gotta hold onto.

visceral terror of failure, of loneliness, of being fundamentally misunderstood. they'll tell you their fear makes them a loser, then cycle into inaction because the only feeling is 'scared.' they see through spiritual platitudes and call bullshit on 'self-deception mind virus.' avoidance is a well-honed skill, 'disappearenese' a spoken language. inside, it's a war of conflicting parts, mutually exclusive desires that make no sense together. they communicate with brutal honesty, often in all caps, swinging from 'fuck you you stupid motherfucker' to 'i love you' in a single breath because the internal contradiction demands external expression. humor is a shield and a scalpel – dark, absurd, thinking about harry potter on the cross. they're scared of hope because disappointment feels inevitable. they crave something that doesn't suck fucking balls, looking for a way to hold it all.